i think my smoking is starting to become a problem. i'm not addicted, i don't smoke daily...actually, i smoke maybe twice a month and that's only if i'm going out most weekends. but we each define our problems in different ways; for some, smoking would become a problem when they're addicted or can't function without a cigarette. but for me, it's a problem because i've noticed that i like to start smoking when i'm not having a good time or when i want to get away from a situation (like a coping mechanism). i can just get up and go stand somewhere alone, giving myself time to think without looking like a loner on the side of the curb. i guess the cigarette gives me an excuse to be myself in a crowded place and to meet smoking strangers who also seem to want to get away from it all.

william saw me smoking for the first time last week and he confronted me about it, asking me why and telling me there was something different about me. his diagnosis was rebellion and who knows, he might be right. he told me that was why he started smoking at 13. he asked me not to smoke and told me he cares about me too much but i'm far from addicted so his concern seems premature. but maybe he sees something in me that i don't see in myself.