i put so much time and thought into self-analysis yet there remains much ambiguity. i'd like to nail it down conclusively but i know we are always learning about ourselves and we are always changing so it's just not feasible. now to add to that, i have just learned that according to freud, 90% of our mind is unconscious--leaving us with a measly 10% of consciousness. that means that even if i understand myself 100%, it's still only 100% of 10% leaving me with a 10% knowledge of myself. it's just that sometimes i drive myself so crazy trying to reach back into my memories and trying to analyze my childhood, whether my attachment was secure or insecure. whether i developed normally for my age or not. basically, are there any signs from my childhood that could have foretold my current neuroses. when i play my childhood videos, i seem like such a happy, care-free child. i had all the makings of an outgoing, extroverted, likable, and charismatic personality. so what traumatic experience happened in my life to change all of that? i can't put my finger on it. but i noticed the change in my personality and behavior as i watched later videos. i just became more mellow and not as excitable. i don't think it's a bad thing but there was definitely some kind of change. does that mean i'm not the person i could have been? yeah i guess so but i know i'm the person i'm meant to be and that's the important thing.

i wonder if other people think about these things or at least think about them as much as i do. do they question? i think some people do, but only a handful. that's probably why i don't relate to many people. i don't think i'm better than anyone...but yeah, i kind of do. i just think that if more people took the time to analyze and assess themselves, they'd be better for it. i don't mean to place so much emphasis on the past but i think the past tells a lot about the future. maybe even more than the present. by understanding who you are and how you got there, you can determine where you will go. people seem to enjoy getting into heavy conversations with me but i think they often enjoy it more than i do. it's not because i'm not interested but more so because they do it because they think i'm interested. like they are kind of standard and have pretty mundane conversations with most of the people around them and then they get to me and start blabbing away about the meaning of life and they say "i can tell there's something different about you. you're deep" and all i've said is something that took my mind 5 seconds to come up with. the point is that i don't think i'm einstein, i just think most other people are elmer fudd.

on another note, i think my constant striving for self-awareness is taking it's toll on my mom. i bring up all the developmental theories and ask her about my childhood. asking her if there was a lack of anything or an excess of anything in my life that contributed to who i am. she becomes extremely defensive and starts talking about how "you're a normal person, you were a normal kid. you had everything you needed. you had a perfect life." when i tell her life isn't perfect and that i have problems sometimes, she kind of freaks out a bit. maybe she just can't handle it. i'm not trying to say that she did a bad job at parenting cause she did an amazing job but i'm curious and want to draw my own conclusions. every parent will say their child had love and support but i'd like to assess it for myself.