the more i learn about child psychology and human behavior, the more i fear parenting. yet another fear. on the one hand, i know a lot about how a child develops and can really contribute to their growth/development. and on the other hand, i realize how easy it is to mess a child up. are you giving the child too much love (smothering it) or not enough? over parenting or under parenting? giving enough positive affirmation or does the negative slip in there? sometimes we do things and we don't even realize it. it makes me feel like i have to be on the ball all the time--parenting is a full time job. i know as a child i was given space to grow and develop. my parents say they tried to hug me but that i didn't like it. i'm like that still. but they say that if you don't nurture your child enough, it will not form an emotional attachment to you. can i provide a child with the proper affection and affirmation? i know i'm not good at praising people or giving complements. i work with kids and know that they seek out positive affirmation but it's not in my nature. i still try to give them what they need but often feel that it's contrived. i know i have the capacity to love. i have people in my life that i love but sometimes i question how i would be as a parent or a wife. sometimes i'm so caught up in my own mind--maybe that comes off as detached.

today i learned parrots mate for life. that means they stay with the same partner their whole life (75 years). i can't say that same for most humans. but i like that idea. one person for the rest of your life. i admit it sounds a little daunting but if it's the right person then i think it will be worth it. yet, since i haven't ever fully loved someone on that level, i find that i don't desire love/marriage as many who have experienced it do. it also seems less of a probability for me. i guess people wonder why i'm like this when both of my parents are married still. i can't really answer that question. all i can say is that it's hard for me to have that connection with someone. part of my difficult personality i guess.