i'm mad not at william anymore. in fact, now i understand him completely. he said there was no magical feeling between us and he was right. i had no clue what he was talking about at the time but i get it now. you're completely comfortable around the person but you're nervous at the same time. when you're not with them, all you can do is think about being with them. you can't think about anyone else or at least they just don't matter. when you think about them with someone else you want to cry. the fact that it could go away at anytime scares you. when you think about them your heart starts beating faster. you are able to stop over thinking everything to be with that person in the moment. you feel that this person brings out the best in you and you hope you can do the same for them. but it scares you like hell that they may have those feelings for someone else so you really just want to shut down. when you have dreams about them you just want to go back to sleep and never wake up because you can finally have more time with them. and most importantly, you feel like you've found your best friend and all the other "best friends" you've had pale in comparison. you wonder why you hadn't met sooner and feel like everyone before that person was a waste of time and emotion. around william, i was a muted version of myself. i was never emotional or defensive or flustered or nervous. i was emotionally dead. he was everything i wanted on paper but there was no chemistry. when we kissed, all i could think about was how awkward it was when he stared into my eyes and when it would be over. when we hung out, i felt like i was spending time with a distant friend or acquaintance. he appeared to have it all together but in fact, he was completely the most confused person i have ever met. he even told me he can never make decisions. what did it matter if he had a great job, he was in a band, he was cute, and he went out of his way to cook for me all the time. he definitely put on a good performance but then the curtain fell and i saw it for what it really was--just a good show. i don't think he could really be himself around me either. for some reason, he felt he had to impress me. i just want someone who is real and is comfortable being themselves around me. someone who opens up without being forced and wants me to know who they are without hiding anything. i want someone who stays when i push them away because the truth is that if i care about them, i will--i'll push. but maybe if i'm worth it they'll pull me back in. i was never defensive around william because there was no need to push him away because we were already so distant. there was no risk of falling for him. he wasn't it--he wasn't what i was looking for. in fact, i didn't know what i was looking for until now. at least i know it's someone who brings out this side of me that isn't so tense and worried all the time. william was always tense and worried. when i didn't laugh at his jokes, he took offense. he would talk and talk and i wouldn't say anything--he told me i didn't seem interested. maybe i wasn't. i was worried about seeing him before. now i just don't care. whatever happens happens. if i lose him, i lose nothing. if i gain him as a friend, i gain companionship with someone who has the same taste in music and that's about it.