i was listening to the radio and karma police came on. after thom yorke sang the words "and for a minute there, i lost myself" it got me thinking about the times in my life when i lost myself in other people. in middle school and high school, my best friend cristina and i were joined at the hip; people thought we were twins or sisters--they sometimes thought we were the same person but we were so different. i just didn't know it then. i was always a unique individual but i hadn't formed a strong sense of self at the time like most adolescents at that age. i think, though, that that period was the beginning of my reliance on friendship in terms of identity. when kristie came along in high school and i stopped talking to cristina, i felt like i was finally an individual free to make crazy and uncalculated decisions--only i wasn't a free individual. i was becoming more like kristie and was never truly free to be myself. i thought kristie was bringing out a different, more care-free side of me at the time but she was just trying to replicate herself through me. soliciting money from men at gas station and wearing short skirts, yelling profanities at innocent bystanders from a moving vehicle, spending the night with strange guys--none of that was ever me. i think at one point, i admired her boldness and risk-taking nature but deep down inside, i never respected her evil and vindictive ways. after kristie, i was able to become myself. to gain a sense of who i was and, more importantly, who i wasn't. i wouldn't have been able to define myself and my beliefs at the time but i knew i wasn't kristie and i couldn't continue that hypocritical lifestyle. when i met kristie's husband, robbie, i felt for the first time in a long time, i was able to be myself--we understood each other on a deeper level. needless to say, things got complicated and we all parted ways. then i met jc. i was myself in the beginning--i told him i wasn't interested in him and i thought that was that. but somehow we continued seeing each other and a year later, he was all i could think about. when he asked me questions about what i liked and disliked, i answered as honestly as i could but it never seemed to impress him much. i thought he was so fascinating; i wanted to know more about him. i watched his favorite movies, listened to his favorite music, went to some of the same concerts and bars where i knew i would run into him. i thought i was expanding my sense of self when i was losing sight of it. i thought he didn't like me so i tried to become more like him--he seemed to like himself quite a lot. when i figured out he was dating other girls, i was angry but when i ran into him alone, i fell back into his arms. one day, i'd flip him off, the next day, we'd be making out in an alley behind the bar. finally, i had had enough of the rollercoaster ride and i wanted out so i stopped talking to him. it didn't make things easier--only harder. i lost myself more and more as i struggled to let him go. i can say now, that i've moved on. i've found myself again but it takes a lot of time to rebuild yourself after the storm. i've put up my walls and somehow locked myself in. when i met william, my walls came down a little but i realize now that it was a mistake. he accepted me for me but he had ulterior motives. i was looking for a friend to accept me and he was looking for love in the wrong place. now that he's gone, i'm just trying to be myself and let my walls down again. i don't want to live a jaded life--i'd rather be myself and put it all out there and lose everything than being someone who is accepted for living a lie and being untrue to themselves.