the world is washed out--fading like the tides. i thought i was happy but now i realize i was only sedated. this guy at a bar last week said i looked unhappy. i wasn't necarsarily unhappy at the time but it seems i get that line quite a bit. i don't know if it's a pick up line but it never works. he asked me "what are your happy thoughts?" happy thoughts?? what are those? do most people have happy thoughts? i don't think i do. i mean, yes, i have a reason to live but i don't think i question it daily. when he asked me, i drew a blank. i don't have happy thoughts. my friend said "french fries" and the guy started talking to her instead. i guess i wasn't happy enough for him. maybe i should have said french fries--maybe then, i too, could find a soul mate. i'm starting to think people are bars only talking to me because they pity me for some reason. maybe for the fact that i'm not always smiling. maybe for the fact that i'm often in deep thought while they suffocate themselves with their substanceless existence. people who think and especially those who think and analyze often are not always happy--in fact they are more often unhappy because they realize just how sad and unjust this world is. when some look around a bar, they see adventure--a room full of endless possibilities. when i look around, i see sad people trying to mask their insecurity. desperate people trying to find love in a loveless place. people drinking to escape the unpleasant realities of life. i'm not unhappy but do i preoccupy my mind with "happy thoughts?" no...no i don't. but i'm always thinking, observing, and questioning. happy thoughts are a good way to sedate yourself. negative thoughts are a good way to cripple yourself. but true, deep, and meaningful thoughts often have a bit of both elements. i seek out the night--the people and somehow i always find myself feeling more alone and confused than before. i like the idea of meeting new people and discovering new places so i go out but there's never really a pay off. it's meaningless. there's no happiness. no joy. it's just another way of sedating myself for just a bit longer. talking to another stranger--having another drink--watching people pretend they're living.

i know it's probably unhealthy to have such a negative view of the world. i do see meaning in the world but it doesn't lie in making ourselves happy all the time. happiness fades anyway. joy is eternal. joy doesn't come from circumstances. there is joy in sorrow. joy comes from God. i'm not going out into the world to find passion, love, and joy. the world offers none. joy is only found in Him. Him, who i have neglected for so long. I haven't been going to church for months. I've found myself in a spiritual slump. it's the worst place to be. i've sedated myself for so long that i haven't realized the spiritual thirst within me.