i'm trying to be the bigger person here. my ex-friend and current foe is now attending my church. the church i had called my home church for the past two years. i'm mad. i know i don't have "the right" to be mad but i've been at that church for a long time and now she barely moves back to LA and starts going there? not to mention, she enrolls at the same university for grad school! she needs to stop stalking me. i haven't honestly gone to church in a while so i guess maybe it's not my church anymore. i really just want to put my past in the past and i don't want it following me around. i shouldn't have this fear but i do. the fear of seeing kristie anywhere--having any sort of connection whatsoever to her is worse than anything. seeing her would be like looking into a mirror and seeing my former self--the person i became around her and was never proud of. looking into her eyes would be like looking straight into the face of pure evil. i know it sounds drastic but i've never met anyone more manipulative, hypocritical, and vindictive in my life. it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about seeing her. i don't know that i should give up my church altogether--i was thinking about going more often actually so it kind of puts a damper on my plans.

another reason it would be wise for me to go back to church is the fact that i've become a fighter--more recently. there's this rage within me that comes out at certain points--mostly when i'm driving or drinking but i get ghetto and i fight. i break bottles and hold them to people's throats. i socked a guy in the head 5 times the night before last during a brawl on the street. it's gotten out of hand--sometimes i do it in self-defense or to protect friends but really--there's no excuse for violence. i guess when one negative part of me fades away, another appears. i know whatever it is inside me that's causing this is toxic. i don't want to hurt people.