i'm kind of confused and i'm only confusing myself. talking to robbie reminds me so much of the past and how i thought we were soul mates but i wasn't attracted to him--he was kind of just the same person in a guy's body. it was the weirdest feeling and i've never had that with anyone else. sometimes we mistake that for something more than it really is. i knew it wasn't going to amount to anything--he was married to my best friend and he wasn't exactly my type looks wise. anyhow, it's all in the past...but the past is creeping up on me again. i thought i was brief and to the point--that i didn't want to talk to him anymore but i find myself talking to him now that he's newly divorced. can't help but feel i am the home wrecking whore that kristie labeled me. but talking is just talking and they're divorced now. it's the alcohol talking i'm sure--i shouldn't be allowed to drink and write. or even to drink and have substantial thoughts...but at least i can spell substantial while i'm under the influence so that's a good sign.

it's just...i let one go, i get one back. it's a never ending cycle. just as i ended things with william, robbie comes busting back into my life like a thunder storm. william was a robbie replacement in the beginning--only we were 2 worlds apart. we never had the same connection. but we had a different type of connection--we got each other when no one else did and even though we were so different, we were the same in terms of certain things that mattered. i guess i should stop looking for replacements. it's been backfiring on me. and i don't think i should take back people from the past either. we're different people--there's no use. and really, i don't have the patience to explain the life they've missed, the growth they haven't witnessed--i'm someone else entirely. it's hard when you don't know what love is. but at least i know what love isn't and i think that's more important.