i was mean to him. i really WAS. i was angry because he said he'd go out with me and i REALLY wanted to go out. i had it all planned out. i'd go there, i'd see him, and more importantly he'd see us together. i knew they hated each other but it didn't matter. i called him up to go but he was "too tired to go. we could hang out next weekend?" yeah...same old story. i'd tried to go, but to no avail. so i texted the one other person i knew was available and he was. i picked him up and we were off but he wanted to go somewhere else so i decided we'd make a quick stop. i sucked down my drink and we were off to our destination. we arrived and he had no clue but i had a feeling. we walked straight to the foosball table and my feeling was right. sitting with a blonde, exactly next to the only available foosball table available. i had no choice. i had to suck it up and go to the table, staring straight at the table in order to avoid an awkward glance toward his direction. i couldn't let him know i saw him. i didn't see him. i would look at almost any stupid thing in my line of sight just so that i wouldn't see him. it's like staring at the sun. people always try to stare at the sun for more than 10 seconds and they just can't do it, it'd blind them. and i couldn't even look at him for more than 0.0 seconds. i couldn't look at him at all. i didn't realize the impact he made until he left. he said "let's go get a bottle o' gin" and then he was gone. how could he leave? i know he walked past me a couple of times to get my attention but i just couldn't look. he was the sun.

it felt like i had seen a huge celebrity or a unicorn. something so rarely seen by the human eye. a myth, if you will. he had been so REAL in my head this whole time but it really hadn't been months since i'd really seen him. not that that was a bad thing for me. but it surely was a hard thing. how could i NOT look? it was like getting to the top of the eiffel tower and not looking or climbing everest and not looking. i know he really isn't that important but it sure feels like it some times. i thought i was okay "this isn't bad. it's not as bad as i thought. it's not as hard..." i was wrong. it never full hits you until AFTER the fact. and then it's too late. if i go back again, it will be obvious. he'd know what i was doing. it's a lose, lose situation. if i go back, he'll know i like him and might not approach me. but also, if i go back, he might notice me and approach me. either way, i'd lose. he can't be back in my life; i can't let it happen.