what happened last night was unexpected. i need to process it so i'm going to write. everytime i think about it, i experience heart palpitations. when i opened my mouth, the expression on his face made me feel like i was a drunk idiot. i know i was drunk but i'm certainly not an idiot. i knew exactly what i was saying. i didn't want him to get hurt; i don't want him to get hurt. what happened was a mistake. we were both feeling kind of lonely and vulnerable. i could tell him i don't remember only i do and playing stupid will get us nowhere. some of the things i said, i didn't mean but most of what i said, i meant. i want him to be happy--to find someone he can have a relationship with because that's what he wants. i'm not that girl. he wants someone who he can love and who can love him back. when he asked me if i loved him, i couldn't say yes. but i care about him, i do. that's why i don't want to lead him on. but it's all changed since last night; how can things ever be the same? all day before it all happened, we were fighting; saying negative things to eachother. but i always do that--i'm always mean to him because he can be kind of an asshole and also i do that--i act like i hate people sometimes to keep them at a safe distance when i really care about them. he knows that about me too and i think that's why he was never offended by it--although i know i truly hurt him with my words at times. like when i said i'd never go for him in a million years--i knew he liked me when i said it too but i wasn't thinking about what it might do to him. but that's all over now--he thinks i'm in love with him and i don't know how to change that without hurting him. i feel like things are such a mess--i've left his place in the middle of the night the last two times we hung out. he wanted me to stay over but i woke up and left because that's just not who i am. i don't want to cuddle and talk about our feelings. he thinks i put on a hard exterior but i do it to protect myself. maybe he should do the same. he called me today but i didn't answer. i don't know what to say really. he won't ever see me the same way again. i called him out on it last night when i saw him looking into my eyes like he was in love with me. i told him not to do that and he seemed confused. i said "you like me, don't do that to yourself. i want you to be happy and find someone and it's not me." there's nothing more i can say now. i can play the avoidance game for a while but at some point, we're gonna have to face up to it. i just want to be friends.