i felt somewhat hurt and offended when kirstie said she was jealous of me sometimes with her boyfriend. i feel like my past always haunts me in new relationships with any of my couple friends. she said we have a lot in common and she feels that she's so different from him but then again, isn't it the differences that make couples so unique and so complementary to one another? i tried to explain this but it became her mission to "find me a man." she came up with a long list of guys from her church. she started talking about each one of them while i zoned out. what does she think of me? that i need someone to be happy? that i need to be part of a couple? faintly i could hear her say "he's a good guy." what did that matter? i'm sure there are plenty of good guys in the world and bad ones too. when people are in relationships they feel like you need to be in one too to be happy but some of us really don't. "i'll pray for you," she said. please don't pray for me to find a guy. i don't want a pity party. i'm tired of all my couple friends trying to set me up with sloppy seconds. with boyfriend rejects from the past. with friends of friends and cousins of boyfriends. don't make me an eharmony account--don't drag me to bible study in hopes of finding me someone. just let me sit at home and watch movies--let me go to bars and talk to people for long enough to bullshit and move on to the next. let me exchange numbers with guys who i have no intention of calling back. let every guy remain a faint and nameless memory. when things are supposed to happen for me--if they are, they will. there's no use in searching for it. the best things in life you just kind of stumble upon. i didn't stop searching because every couple tells me they found their partner by accident when they stopped looking for a relationship. i just stopped looking because i stopped and i'm trying to be happy in the moment. happy being myself and myself alone. being content in myself as i have tried to be for the past 24 years. i stopped because i didn't want to waste anymore time wanting things. i wanted to enjoy the here and now. not the tomorrow or a year from now but just the today. if love slaps me in the face so hard that i can't help but face it--unable to avoid it...well then, i guess that's when i'll want it.