some days i feel like i am going through the motions and nothing is really happening. but it can't be true because when i look back at how far i have come, i see a long road behind me. sometimes the past is upsetting--lost friends, deaths, trials and tribulations...i've become a new person. the change has been so gradual that i hadn't really realized my transformation until recently. looking back at my childhood, i was always happy; i was told that i was a charismatic young child and i've seen it first hand in home videos. but it saddens me that somewhere along the way i lost that spark. r at least i certainly feel that way. it's safe to say that i'm not that same person. but i just have to realize that it's part of life and life is shaping me. preparing me for something else. something that that bright-eyed young hopeful may not have been able to survive. they say that temperament is biological and cannot be changed, while personality is shaped by the environment and is constantly changing. maybe somewhere deep down inside, i'm still a bright-eyed young hopeful. i see it in me sometimes. i may not be as social or as outwardly cheerful but i think i still have that good heart. looking at the road behind me, i am overwhelmed by the even longer road ahead of me. if i have changed this much in 23 years, how much more will i change in the next (God willing) 50 or 60-some odd years. will i recognize myself? i probably won't recognize myself in the mirror but will i recognize my soul? after all, it's eternal and it's the only thing that stays with us when we go.

i don't want to lock myself into a box. to get into a situation where i have no room to grow or develop. i see people in this world who get angry with each other because one person or the other has changed. it's not what they had originally signed up for. i certainly don't want someone who never changes. certain characteristics shouldn't change like love...compassion...the things embedded in our souls. but i'd like to think that we, as humans, have the capacity for change. positive change. sometimes negative change. but at least, the point is that we change. stagnant water becomes murky and gray but a stream of water flows into a spring of hope. sometimes we don't want people to grow or change because we're selfish and change isn't always comfortable. i hope, someday, i'll embrace the change that takes place in the lives of those i love and care about. i don't want to hold anyone back and i don't want anyone holding me back either. sometimes we just need to let people change and to let people go.