i find myself harping on about the same situation but i feel like it's so relevant to my life; it is part of this disturbing pattern i have identified in my own life. i have to fully understand why this pattern keeps occurring so that i can put an end to it. right? or does it matter? can we put out a fire without knowing what ignited the flames? i think the answer to that it yes, however, if you don't understand how the fire ignited, you might end up with several fires forming all around you until there's an untamable fire consuming your life.

i think it is in my nature to hash and re-hash the past in order to find resolution within myself. i've learned that it's often impossible to gain closure from another person. it MUST come from within yourself and if that means searching for resolution within yourself, then so be it. i must learn how to cope with and avoid these issues so that i don't find myself in this same situation any longer. i must solve and prevent these negative, unstable people from gaining entry into my life.

i've been so good at keeping people out so what went wrong? i think it's because i've been getting all these mixed messages. i don't trust and my friends tell me "trust or you'll end up alone" so i attempt to trust and when people abuse my trust my friends tell me "you're a magnet for weirdos. you need to stop letting these nutjobs into your life." i guess when i start trusting, i don't discriminate. i based it on my intuition and if they prove i can trust them. i guess i need to have some kind of application process and background checks. i mean, it's only getting harder and harder to trust people as this world is becoming more and more morally and ethically corrupt on all levels. you can't even help an old lady cross the street because a van might pull up next to you and drag you in. it's really sad. however, i'm also trying not to become jaded. i don't want to blame everyone for a lack of trust and loyalty in one person. it's not right. i guess i'll take it day by day for now. but i've noticed that i don't careto make friends because all the "new" friends in the past few years have proven to be psychopaths.