i dont know how much longer i can bear the blades of rejection. i can't put myself through it anymore. he said he went fishing and enjoyed it but it was a game of catch and release. i feel like i'm the fish that got caught painfully struggling to get away and he held me on the hook for awhile until he got tired of it and threw me back in again. only this time, i couldn't swim anymore. i don't think i can. i forgot the pain and was recently reminded why i avoided it. always told to take risks by people who takes risks and win it all but it's not in the cards for me.

i must be the only girl in the world who will go on a date, have it go well, have a good time and go home and cry in the shower. this has never happened to me before and i'm not sure what it is. i think part of it is that i can feel that he must not like me all that much, which explains the silences. another part of it is that i'm not sure at all about how i feel. he's everything i wanted and more but i don't feel like i'm there yet. like i'm forced to be something i'm not and i can't admit weakness because then he'll look at me and see someone whose just not good enough. and the other part is that when i'm with him, i don't feel like i'm at home. he asked me if there were any places that when i'm there, i feel like i'm at home. i told him no, but when i'm with certain people i feel like i'm at home. it's not about the places, it's about the people. and that's when i realized i didn't feel at home. i wasn't able to be myself and i didn't know what was holding me back. he thanked me for teaching him to play tennis and he dropped me off. i had fun yet i felt a bit of emptiness and i think he did too. he told of past dating experiences where he didn't want to continue seeing the girl. i think i'll be another girl he can add to that list.

i really don't know that i have it in me to date anymore. i don't want to care anymore. i've tried and it's not for me. i guess it just reminds me of all the people i've lost--all the people i stopped talking to and figured it must be my fault. what do i do to make these people hate me? and why i am just too tired to care anymore?