i feel like i'm constantly denying myself of the thing that will hurt me most and it's killing me. i can't even find a good analogy for it. i guess it's like a drug addict looking for a fix; it will give them a quick high but what it's really doing is just slowly killing them--causing them to become more dependent on something that seeks to destroy them. i hope i'm doing a good job of hiding my true feelings, i really do because i don't think this is something i'd ever actually want him to know. it would only cause him joy--he'd take joy in my pain and i can't let that happen. i can't let him know that he got to me. i won't let him break me. i've never been this person--not until these last couple of years. i still don't think i need anybody and definitely not him but it doesn't change the fact that i'd still like to have him there for awhile. but i wouldn't give my left sock to be his girlfriend. she's one unfortunate person. he'd have his way with me in a second if i gave him the chance but that's not who i am though God knows i've thought about it. i'd like to feel bad for the girl but it doesn't take a microbiologist to figure out that he's been going behind her back for years. the only shot they have of making it is if he knocks her up and they get married.