i drink because the fear that holds me back in life and love disappears. because for one night, i can boldly inhabit my skin. i become this other person...maybe the person i really am underneath this facade. a more vulnerable and real person. i'm numb but at the same time, i can feel more than i ever let myself feel. i lose that control that i desperately strive for when i'm sober. tina is so much more than what people see. i don't think i even understand who i am fully. how can someone so in tune with who they are be so out of touch with themselves? i think i always go for the dangerous creatures because i'm too afraid to let myself be dangerous. he brought out the danger in me and he still makes me doubt myself sometimes. how can i desire someone who hurts me so much? it's one of the things i will never understand. i try to protect myself ALL the time but i only end up hurting myself that way. I wish I could live so many other lives. Not that I'm not happy with mine but that I feel I was made for so much more than this. I should have been a gypsy, a heroine addict, an old woman, a julliard dancer, marie antoinette, a stripper, and a farmer by now. I know that's why I've loved movies all my life. Even if only for a couple of hours, I was able to be someone else. To live another life and the experience something a little more dangerous. In real life, I'm scared to do even simple things like saying what I feel and answering questions in front of people. Constantly second guessing myself...making myself feel incompetent and useless. I'm my biggest critic by far and still I'm too easy on myself.