so thats what it felt like to be happy for two seconds... i don't know if i was happy because of him or because of the fact that i wasn't alone. maybe it was both. i feel like i spend 85% of my life missing someone. like the happiness they bring me lasts all of two seconds and they're gone, leaving me with a lifetime of heartache. i would much rather be alone than know that i had people i cared about and lost. but when i was with him, i couldn't show him that i cared. i was cold. i always am. why would he stay? i don't even want to stay... it shouldn't be that complicated to hold hands and tell someone you care about them but it IS! it's so much harder for me than for the average person. i guess i just can't let go and can't be vulnerable.