i think i'm starting to realize that i may have had an insecure attachment as a child. the more i study bowlby's attachment theory, the more i realize that i'm not a secure attachment...at least i think. there are 5 types of attachment, one of them being disorganized attachment, which is the most rare and mostly occurs with children who had mentally retarded parents or parents with drug/alcohol addiction. this type of attachment occurs because as babies, children don't know what to expect from their parents. they aren't sure if there parent will feed/comfort them or neglect them because parents are so unstable. i know i'm not disorganized so i rule that out. i don't think i'm a secure attachment because, although it was VERY easy for me to get emotionally close to others as a child, even strangers, i am no longer that way but i feel that i don't want to rule it out because i know i have the capacity for it, i'm just not there yet. i know i'm not anxious-preoccupied because they have a dire need for attaching themselves to people and are often clingy because they lacked love/basic needs as a child from their parent. i know i didn't lack any of that because my parents were amazing and i'm far from clingy so i rule that out. i thought i'd be dismissive-avoidant, however, i found that i am not because although i idealize that one (in an unhealthy way because it's not a secure attachment), i DO feel the need to emotional closeness although i sometimes dislike that about myself (i know, it's not healthy but i'm not in denial about it and i think that's healthy). avoidants value independence over relationships and feel like they don't need anyone. this is because they also had inconsistency of having their needs met-thus they feel they can't depend on anyone ever. i know my parents met most of my needs but from what they describe, they tried to hug and nurture me but i rejected it--that could still stem from attachment though. but again, i think that's extreme and i know i have ALWAYS valued my relationships and emotional closeness. it's just REALLY hard for me to get close to people which leads me to my hypothesized attachment: fearful-avoidant defined below:

Fearful–avoidant attachment
People with a fearful style of avoidant attachment tend to agree with the following statements: "I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others." People with this attachment style have mixed feelings about close relationships. On the one hand, they desire to have emotionally close relationships. On the other hand, they tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. These mixed feelings are combined with negative views about themselves and their partners. They commonly view themselves as unworthy of responsiveness from their partners, and they don't trust the intentions of their partners. Similarly to the dismissive–avoidant attachment style, people with a fearful–avoidant attachment style seek less intimacy from partners and frequently suppress and hide their feelings.

VS.

Secure attachment
Securely attached people tend to agree with the following statements: "It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me." This style of attachment usually results from a history of warm and responsive interactions with relationship partners. Securely attached people tend to have positive views of themselves and their partners. They also tend to have positive views of their relationships. Often they report greater satisfaction and adjustment in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Securely attached people feel comfortable both with intimacy and with independence. Many seek to balance intimacy and independence in their relationship.


fearful-avoidant wasn't originally created by bowlby but was added later by theorists who noticed this trend. i strongly believe i am this attachment now. theorists can not agree on why this attachment is created as a child, however, they assume its the same--not all basic needs are consistently met. it's just hard for me to think that way because i love my parents and think they've gone above and beyond to love and nurture me. i just blame myself as someone who may have never needed it or wanted it as much as others although deep down, everyone does but we all cope with it differently (hence the various attachments). i've learned to gain independence and my parents said i was always independent. in my childhood videos, i'm always wandering off on my own and talking to strangers. my sister is attached to my mother, father, or myself in all the videos. i feel like i CAN have healthy relationships romantically but i can't honestly picture them. i'm so used to friendship relationships and how they operate. giving so much of myself, so much that i think it may mirror romantic relationships and may intimidate my friends who place more importance on love. this is why my friends who seek love constantly and place me as a low priority REALLY upset me. like william and brittany. i've been all about friendships since day one--kindergarten. i had a best friend. best friends were so valuable to me and still are, however, due to life circumstances, i have no best friends currently other than family. it scares me to label anyone as a best friend because of the commitment it requires and my understanding that friends don't commit as intensely to friends as they do to boyfriends/girlfriends. to me, placing those people above me is almost betrayal when i've known my friend for longer than these stupid guys/girls they've met at a bar/club.

maybe i'm too intense. maybe it comes off as me being jealous or romantically interested in my friends and with guys, that's obviously an issues. hence william. i think when i actually have feelings for someone, i am much more reserved and distant because it scares me to think i may get attached and hurt (although i've never been in a serious romantic relationship ironically). i rarely showed jc affection and he thought i didn't like him but i was intensely infatuated. it's not mixed signals, it's an internal struggle to fearfully avoid attachment due to fears of relational instability or rejection. unfortunately, i'm REALLY comfortable with friends or guys that i'm not romantically interested in and this creates a closer bond or attachment because i don't sense and threat and don't mind attaching. this causes them to like me and think i like them when it's not true and when i like someone, they assume i don't like them at all. it's my life story. i don't look twice at a guy i think is attractive while other girls throw themselves at them. but i don't mind. i truly believe that if i'm meant to be with someone, they'll find me no matter how hard i try or the lack therof in terms of effort.

i guess i notice this even now, this attachment style, as i work in a group and find a guy attractive but make sure to keep an emotional distance that i wouldn't have if i didn't like him. honestly, it scares me that i'm emotional as a human being but put on the facade with some people that i'm not and i don't care. sometimes i don't care but sometimes i do and although i know things happened for the best in ending things with jc, i wonder how things would have been if i had showed him i cared--i pushed him away in a sense and i hope i don't do that with someone who is really worth loving and being vulnerable with.

there are still things about me, more intimate things, i don't feel comfortable discussing with many yet but those things also scare me a bit. i've told william some stuff and i feel judged. like i'm some unattached, unemotional person who doesn't want intimacy. it's not true though. i think i lie to him sometimes in saying i'd rather be alone and have intimacy alone because it makes me feel more independent and i convince myself that rejection isn't the worst thing (and i can cope). i say i'm never getting married to protect myself. i say i don't want a relationship to protect myself. i just want to be real and not have to protect myself. i don't want to be strong on the outside because i feel weak on the inside. i want to be able to be vulnerable and not fear my emotions, yet have strength and resiliency to bounce back from failed relationships.

i can't shelter myself any longer. that's maladaptive. i know i'm this way for a reason but i think it's normal sometimes to want things i don't have built into my personality. i actually think we look for the things we want for ourselves but don't have when we find a partner. things you appreciate about a person and look up to them for having. like maybe just maybe sexually/physically abused people go for abusive partners (they value that strength and domination, although its obviously unhealthy and stems from the abusers own insecurities). i think what the child has experienced and seen growing up with their parents also plays into it (does the parent take the abuse?) because the parent models for the child.

i could write forever but this summarizes my current thoughts and it's something to ponder throughout life but not dwell on because that may prevent you from coming to terms with it and that will prevent you from healing. i STRONGLY believe that you can fix an insecure attachment and it's been proven. there are interventions. so i have hope for myself and blame my parents for nothing because they were amazing and i was the love of their lives when i was born. and that's how i have come to terms with my attachment.