i once went on a date with a guy who ended up being a complete douchebag. ok...well that's happened a lot more than once but this particular time, i made a video diary after i got home from hanging out with him. it was the first time we had met and it was through a mutual friend. watching this video today makes me CRINGE so much. it's really hard to watch. unbearable. it shows me how hopeful i used to be and kind of still am, although i try to hide it. i'm not even gonna go into detail about the things i say and that's beside the point because my face is just so sad and i almost cry. it was right after the first time things took a turn for the worse with JC. i go on and on about this stupid guy and how the date went well and, as usual, i ended up being wrong. it just shows me how i think every person is "the person" when that person is irrelevant. they're just going to be a waste of time. i guess i keep this video around because it shows me how weak i can be and how far i've come. i'm stronger now, at least i'd like to think so. i was always just trying to find someone to help me move on and now i think i've moved on just fine on my own. i think my hope in humanity must be my greatest flaw. really. it's just bitten me in the ass so many times, i can't even keep track anymore. i think i'm numb from it all now. but maybe i'd rather feel pain, anything is better than feeling numb about it. i think that's why i stayed in a rut over JC for so long...i wanted to be sad, i didn't want to move on. i wanted my life to be one fucking long smith's song on repeat. that's exactly what i wanted. i wanted to be john cusack in high fidelity sulking over lost relationships that really just weren't as significant as i would have liked to believe. years from now, i'll look back on that moment as a complete waste of perfectly good emotions. i guess sometimes we just want our lives to be like a movie. to feel like each heartbreak and heartache is so significant that the world stops turning. also NOTE TO SELF: watching this video makes me want my long hair back--don't let ray convince you to cut it again.