isn't it sad when you lose someone who really knew you? you open up and share your soul, your past, your hopes, your pain and then they're gone and everything you've shared suddenly seems worthless. then some days it feels like they took all your secrets and ran with them and you're left with nothing. you wish you could have shared them with someone who would have stayed. someone who sees the value in you and what you've been through. someone who wants to be with you wherever you're going. makes you feel like never opening up to anyone ever again because how can you trust that person to stay and make your gut-wrenching attempt at opening up worthwhile? might as well just ignore that person and every person. shut down and lock yourself inside a box where no one can find you--maybe not even yourself. but then, what good would that do? you may avoid pain for awhile but loneliness is the ultimate pain and surely, when you withdraw inside of yourself, you will become lonely. and you can be lonely in a crowded room. you can have a million people in your life who love you for what they see on the outside but how valuable is a love that doesn't accept you from the inside out? they can love you when the sky is blue and the grass is green but will they love you when the sky is overcast and the weeds are growing in? if the answer is no then what good is it to keep them around? start hoarding people in your life that love you unconditionally because it is a rare commodity. i open up to someone and they run away---someone opens up to me and they run away. it's become apparent that there's just no way to win or at least no way to keep some people around by being true to myself. but i haven't given up on love and friendship...not yet. the truth is that i DO focus too much on what i've lost, what i don't have and not on what i do. of the 6 to leave me, there are 10 who have stayed--so the odds are in my favor. THESE are the people who love and accept me. as for love, well...that's yet to come but i'm getting close and maybe that in itself scares me. just knowing that there's someone who loves you for your flaws, for your quirks, and fully embraces you. wants to know everything about you. that is more that i could have ever imagined and it feels great.