i think i've been defensive in saying "screw everyone." i don't think i give myself room for regrets and heartbreak. i'm a human, it's what we do so maybe it's time to be real with myself. i miss will, he was a great guy and i don't think i'll ever find another guy like him, truly. he definitely had his problems but we fit better than anyone i've dated before (i mean, it did last 3 months). i regret nothing from that relationship--wish it would have worked out though. as for old william, i miss him too but i think he's where he needs to be now as hard as it is to admit. he wouldn't have gotten what he wanted with me--he wanted a girlfriend, marriage and a family but he was never my match in that sense. but we did have an undeniable connection i've never had with any guy since and it's hard to let go of that. i've still been having reoccuring dreams about past friends and relationships. i mean literally everyone of them was in my dream and it kind of freaked me out seeing them again--especially knowing i'll never see them outside of my dreams. i've lost some good people and certainly some bad ones too. but i really DO feel like we all needed that separation. whether they're in a better place, that's hard to say. some of them were pretty self destructive. but i really do wish them all the best--they all once held a place in my life and that's a very special thing not many people can say. on that note, a ghost from the past has contacted me twice this year. once this week. haven't responded and i think it's all for the best. our past was a rocky one. too rocky for a 19 year old girl to handle at the time but it's taught me a lot and possible jaded me forever towards the idea of marriage. i think i say no to people because i don't want to say yes anymore. i don't really need anyone else in my life right now complicating things. maybe i just need to stop going out so i don't have to say no every 5 minutes.