its always been a struggle for me to let go of people in my life. even when i know they're toxic. it's because i focus on all the positive memories--the stories we've built up together over time. yet, there have been several losses in my life-- people i no longer speak to. to be one of those people, though, you really have to do some serious damage because like i said, i really do have a hard time letting go. but even if i don't let go, at some point, whats meant to be happens and they let go of me.

i think its hard for me to let go because it takes a lot to get through the layers. i always have my guard up and the best most can do is chip away at the surface for a while until they give up. but the people who stick around long enough to make it inside, they're inside forever and letting them go is like letting a part of myself go because they take a part of me with them. the vulnerability, the secrets, my inner-most thoughts--all of it. because when someone makes it inside, i get really deep because i'm a really deep person and i don't hold back once i trust someone. because i figure they've already been through rigorous tests to be in that position--listening to my inner-most thoughts. but for some reason, i often end up choosing the wrong people to let in and that's where it goes wrong. that's when i must choose either to let them go along with a part of myself or to let them stay and slowly poison myself. do i chop off my arm in order to keep my heart beating? it seems like such an easy answer but there are a lot of complicated feelings. you've been through a lot with the arm and you're not sure how you'll fare without it.

where am i going with this? i guess it comes down to what i'm going through right now with william. how do i let him go? we haven't talked in 2 months so i guess i'm on the right track but it's still a hard road to go down because he really knows me. it's sad to think that he would take advantage of my vulnerability but its true. makes me wonder if he was ever really my friend or if he had ulterior motives from the beginning. he must feel guilty for what hes done because he hasnt contacted me--well, either guilty or maybe he feels no remorse at all. maybe he doesn't care. i'd like to believe he cares but what's the use? i thought about him from time to time while i was gone. it made me sad but then other times, i had no feeling at all--i was numb in a way. because i guess as much as i've felt we were good friends, i've always known it would never last--that one day he'd be a stranger, so much so that i wouldn't recognize him in passing.