Life is a series of decisions. You decide what to eat, you decide who to be friends with, you decide how to handle certain situations, you decide to go to college, you decide where, you decide your major, you decide what you want to do with your life, you decide where to live, you decide if you want a family, you decide who you should marry, you decide if you want kids, if so, how many. Then you make another decision and another and another and before you know it, your life has formed from dust and then a breeze comes by and it vanishes in the wind. I'm not sure if all the decisions I've made have made me any smarter, happier, freer, wiser, better...I've spent my whole life making decisions and I'm not sure if I've ever been in a moment where I've really been happy--a moment where I just wanted to take it all in and stay in that moment. I've always been looking forward, looking to the next best thing and every time I've gone forward, I've wished I could go back. I want to have a moment where I can just LIVE. I spend too much time worrying about the future; trying to make it a better place for myself. Making sure things go according to plan even when I know that when I reach that future, I'll be crawling back toward the past. I know my life is short, how short...I don't know. I don't want to waste it; I know some days I sit waiting for time to go by...waiting for another day to wait even more. Hoping that one day I'll be busy living in place where waiting doesn't happen.

Soon I'll be deciding which of my possessions to leave to whom and where to be buried. With all this waiting, I might as well be buried alive. I'm not waiting to die, I'm waiting to live. Yes life is a series of decisions. It is also defined by our relationships. I don't care about elementary school but I care about meeting Vivian and becoming best friends. I don't remember what assignments I did in eighth grade, only that my teacher, Mr Peterson, inspired me to embrace English. I don't think about what I accomplished in high school, I think about the friends I made...Kristie and Cristina, in particular, who shaped my identity during that period. I never felt more child-like and free than when I was playing with Cristina. I never felt more insane, outgoing, and risky than when I was with Kristie. My life was like the lives I had seen in movies, and it felt like a movie worth watching for once. My life was interesting, things were happening--not all of them good but my life wasn't at a standstill. I don't think about my classes at GCC other than my creative writing class where I met JC and my world was turned 180 degrees upside down for a few years...now it's at 176 degrees i'd like to think. There were a whole slew of people that I met in my life and no matter how long our relations lasted, I realized that I wanted more. I collected people...I never really let people go. They might leave but they can't run from my mind. I can go inside, unlock the door, and let them out--some of them, I have let go, others will take more time. I have to let them free because then one day, I might be as well.